Pursue Our Dreams or Settle for Less - The Decision is Ours

I was having dinner with a friend this week and the conversation turned to the many ways we seem to “settle” in life.  I mentioned that I was a “master” settler and was the inspiration for starting Prosperity Doctor. 

Through many years of teaching classes and coaching, the pattern emerged where women (especially women) are more than willing to subordinate their goals and desires in order to accommodate and please their spouses and children (can you tell I used to sell real estate?)  I know I did.

When we are so willing to abandon our own goals and desires in favor of supporting someone else’s goals and desires, we may feel as if we are being polite, being a good wife and mother, or being a good friend.  We don’t want to appear selfish or self-serving.  And then one day we wake up and realize we were living someone else’s life.  Have you ever felt this way?

This got me to thinking....

It all begins with choice.  The choice to say “yes” when you want to say “no” seems like a small choice at the time.  We want to be nice; we want to be cheerful; we want to get along.  What’s the big deal?  And then we find it was easy to say “yes” and pretty soon we are saying “yes” to nearly everything even though our insides want us to say “no.”

This seemingly small choice is not really small at all.  Every choice we make has consequences.  Some consequences are immediate.  For example, we may choose to attend an activity with a friend instead of taking time for ourselves.  We think the only consequence is putting someone else first – and that’s not so bad, right?  However, what if the long-term consequence of that action leads to a poor self-image and feelings of not being worthy?

So, when we make a choice to settle for less, either in a job or in a relationship or in not following our dream, the long-term consequences to our soul can be devastating.  Many men and women find themselves in jobs or in relationships which are not working and are desperate to find ways to fix the problem.   This desperation is not borne out of love, but out of fear of being unemployed or un-loved or alone.  Chances are, they’ve settled for less than what they really wanted.

But, here’s the rub.  When we settle (no matter what reasons we’ve given ourselves) we know we are settling.  We know we’ve compromised on our values or our dreams or our goals.  We become secretly mad or disappointed with ourselves.  This sort of internal negativity will ultimately lead us to sabotage our joy.  Living with a sense of self-betrayal is painful and we may unconsciously punish ourselves.

Sometimes this pain may lead to negative behavior such as anger, alcohol abuse, food addiction, depression, or apathy.  And this leads to more self-betrayal which leads to more negativity and perhaps more settling.  How do we overcome these patterns and learn to choose in ways that won’t lead to such self-sabotage?  We simply need to learn to distinguish between 3 things:

1. Learn to distinguish between settling and choosing.  When we settle, we are relinquishing responsibility.  We justify our choice to settle because of fear or some external pressure to comply.  We say, “I had no choice.”   However, when we step up and realize we always have a choice (even if it is scary to admit or even make that choice) we feel empowered and are able to reclaim some of our value.  Before settling for something, take a moment to determine if you fear making a choice or fear the consequences of that choice – there’s a big difference.  Whatever the consequences, they are easier to live with than the underlying self-betrayal of settling.
2. Learn to distinguish between your wants and your needs.  Often our wants are driven by pleasure and the avoidance of pain and discomfort.  We take the easy way out and the easy way may not shift our life in significant or meaningful ways.  Taking the easy way may lead to settling and being inauthentic.  Our needs may lead us to discover the hero’s path beneath our feet.  We may want a pair of shoes, but we may need to begin a journey; we may want to grab a quick meal but we may need to feed our soul.  Discover your needs and you’ll discover what really matters in your life.
3. Learn to distinguish between your internal mind chatter and your own inner genius.  I often say, “If the voice you hear is coming from within your own mind, it is probably wrong!”  Most of us have unruly minds that focus on fear, worry, negativity, and all the ways things could go wrong and why we aren’t the right person at the right time or the right place.  We listen and we struggle and we settle.  We need to stop that madness by asking ourselves if those ideas are actually true or just stories.  Our own inner genius waits patiently for recognition; not making a fuss it often goes ignored.  Refuse to ignore it any longer and tune into that part of you that isn’t frightened.  Find your talents and your passion and listen to what they are saying.  We only need to take one step at a time and the journey to choosing begins with that simple step.